Simply Someday

It's Anything But Simple, But It's My Life

Let It Go….

Sometimes it's not as simple as just letting go.

Sometimes it’s not as simple as just letting go.

So this past week has been a test of co-parenting for me. I felt very out of my element, angry, hurt, and helpless. I’m not going into details, they really don’t matter.

Shaughn and I had a disagreement on what each of us thought was ok for Paisley. What I thought (and still do) was not appropriate, he thinks is just fine. I’ve constantly had to remind myself that this is how you co-parent, this is how things work. I cannot control what Pais sees, does, hears, or experiences when she’s not in my care.

I’ve had to remind myself that Shaughn would never do anything to endanger, hurt, or harm our child. I’ve also had to remind myself  that it’s ok if he raises her differently than I do. It’s really ok. When we were together, I did the bulk of child rearing, just as I still do. I’m able to decide what Pais wears, what shows she watches, who she plays with, and what she plays. I make many of those decisions for her as in many cases, she is too young to make appropriate decisions; if I left it up to her she’d wear her bathing suit in December. Shaughn, due to his work schedule, then school, had little to say about things, and we were generally on the same page anyway.

Now, with sharing our time with Pais separately, I’m finding that they are doing things that I would never do in our house, I was having a very hard time wrapping my head around the fact that things are different. That they are doing things that I am so opposed to. Is she being hurt? Nope. Is it ruining her chances of being a productive member of society? Nope. They are just not things I would ever let her do.

I know Shaughn thinks I am a control freak. To an extent I am. I have to be. I don’t have the luxury of not being that way. I live my life according to schedules, I don’t divert from them often. I insist that Pais follows them, she needs routine just as much as I do. When I say it’s a luxury to not have to live by them, I mean it. I don’t want to be this way, I don’t want to have to get up early, get her dressed and fed by 8:30, I don’t want to have to worry about her 7:30 bedtime each night and fitting in dinner, quality time, and a bath. I would love to be the fun parent who lets her stay up late, I would love to stay in bed a bit longer on the weekends, but I can’t and don’t.

This has been the hardest adjustment for me thus far. And now that I’ve calmed the hell down a bit, I can see more rationally.

I know we aren’t going to raise her exactly the same, I know they will do cool stuff that I can’t, and she and I will do cool stuff that they won’t. I know he may give her heck for something I wouldn’t and vice versa. And it’s ok. I just need to take a deep breath and remember…It’s Ok.  Shaughn will ALWAYS have her back, and he will always have mine. We will always disagree, but we will always try to see the others point of view, and on the big stuff we will present a united front.

This was the first of many issues that will arise, but I know we’ll be ok. Because we always are.

Thank you Shaughn for putting up with my control freak, I appreciate it.

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Enjoy Your Day Mama, It’ll Be Over Before You Know It!

It'll be over before I know it.

It’ll be over before I know it.

Each day I marvel at my life, I sit for just a minute or two…sometimes I’m only afforded 30 seconds, but I sit and say thank you for my beautiful life.

A friend visited me yesterday, she brought along her little lad, Liam. He is fresh from the oven so to speak, with only 4 months life experience. He is Lovely; cuddly, squishy, smiley, chubby, and delicious. Yes, I could eat him. He’s that adorable.

Visiting with Mel and Liam made me realise just how quickly the last few years have flown by. Literally flown by.

I  can’t believe it’s been five years since I first held my daughter, and now, the number of times I’ve held her or cuddled her is countless. The only way to measure it would be to measure the love she herself puts out into the universe.

I remember countless nights, just waiting for morning to come so another day would pass…literally wishing my time away. As Paisley screamed with colic for hours, all I could think of was the day she wouldn’t, and when would that be, and how many more nights would I have to spend this way?

Looking back now, I remember the soft early dawn light, when Pais finally stopped crying, and we would watch the sun slowly make its way above the horizon. I would hold her in my lap, sometimes I would be crying from sheer exhaustion, but other times, I would sit and hold her, thanking god for another beautiful day, thanking god that I had this beautiful, healthy child in my arms. I remember those quiet moments now and would give anything to have them back.

As adults we tend to forget the quiet times, amidst the craziness of our everyday lives, it’s not often that we just sit and take stock of the world around us. We are caught up in jobs, chores, the news, families, and friends; we forget that the flowers are just starting to peek out of winter soil, that the birds are up and singing far earlier than we are. We forget that even in the April snowstorms, there is still beauty and stillness to be admired.

When Paisley was sick a few weeks back, throwing up over and over, I sat there wishing it was over. I was losing money by not working for the day, I was tired after being up all night with her, I was horrified each time she emptied her tummy thinking “here we go again’…it wasn’t until later that I realised that I had the day cuddling, reading books and holding my daughter, just like when she was a baby…I again missed the beauty, wishing the illness would just end. Did I suffer from missing a days work? In retrospect, no, not really. Did I catch up on my sleep? Yes, of course I did.

I, like so many others need to stop, take stock and admire the beauty around us. See the sun filtering though the windows with dust motes dancing in the rays; notice the grass is greener than it was just a short week ago. Take a moment to talk, and listen to your child, REALLY listen to them. Play your favourite song, and feel the music, dance and sing like no one is watching, judging, or listening to you. Take a few minutes to enjoy something, anything. Just enjoy it.

Our life is short, our children grow up so quickly, sleepless nights with colic will soon turn into sleepless nights while your child has your car keys, that friend you meant to have a coffee with might move away, your parent won’t always be there, call them to chat.

Enjoy your day, THIS day. It’s the only one you’ll ever have just like it. It will never be the same again.

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The ELEPHANT In The Room

Do you see it?

Do you see it?

My entire life I’ve felt like the elephant in the room, not in the traditional sense of the phrase, but more literally.

Since puberty, I’ve been curvy. So since about 10 when I got boobs, I’ve always been slightly bigger than my friends. As I became an adult I’ve packed on the weight. Dealing with depressive episodes, life circumstances, and boredem, I turned to food to fill this void.

Now, I am fat. Yep, I said it. FAT not to be confused with Phat…but I’m that too (Pretty, Hot, and Tempting). I embrace it to a degree, I don’t mind being curvy, I like boobs and butts, but, I’ve reached a point beyond that. I’m not comfortable in my own skin.

When I’m with my family and friends it’s obvious that I am the largest person in the room, when shopping I can’t get the latest fashions or styles without spending a fortune.

In this day and age when society is on a push to be fat positive, and to be body positive regardless of shape and size, I find myself being embarrassed that I don’t. I am ashamed that I look at the pictures and compare myself to them and think, “well, I’m even bigger than that, I don’t even fit here”.

To go along with my body shape/size, I also have a big personality which I think just exacerbates and brings to the forefront, my physical size. I’m the ‘biggest’ in every sense of the word.

So now what? Like many women, I’ve tried the diets, starvation, weight watchers, vegetarian diet, high protein low carb. I’ve tried intuitive eating…the problem with that one was, I intuitively always want to eat…ice cream, chips, pop corn…. I had very good successes with numerous attempts at weight watchers, but due to money and lack thereof it was something that is just a luxury I can’t afford. I’ve had gym memberships which have also gone the way of weight watchers. I love the gym, I love Zumba, swimming, dance areobics…but being a single mum with limited time and income, the gym isn’t something that fits into my life. People tell me that I have to make fitness a priority, which I agree with, but caring for my daughter is the biggest priority.

I enjoy walking, but again, when I have 2 hours between finishing work and Paisley’s bedtime, It’s tough to fit in dinner, baths, books, and cleanup, let alone an hour to walk each night, or even every other night. I’ve tried Zumba on the Wii, but there’s something sad and depressing about doing it in my small living-room alone. Sigh.

I’m not sure what the answer is. I enjoy playing games in the yard with the kids, tag, soccer, races. These things get my heart rate up, but not as much as it should.

I’m not making excuses, I know why I am the size I am. Now I just have to find something that works for me. Something I can stick to, something that I find satisfying and that will keep me motivated!

Ideas? Suggestions?

 

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Where My Heart Is.

Sigh

Sigh

I’ve written three drafts of this, each a little different, each still remains in my draft folder waiting to see the light of day.

I’m not sure why I’ve been so hesitant to publish them. I know there is something holding me back; otherwise I would have.

I’m not the type to fill everyone in on every little detail of my life. I don’t update Facebook every hour, or even many days. I sure as hell don’t talk about my relationship. I don’t post lovey meme’s for the world to see, and I don’t write ‘I heart you’ messages on mine, or anyone else’s wall.

I’m also afraid. I’m mainly afraid of what others will think. I’ve been separated for just short of a year, but here I am head over heels in love with another. I question my own sanity at times, I don’t need others questioning it either. As strong as I appear to others, things do affect me. I take criticism to heart, and feel every jab as if you really did mean to stab me with your words. So yes…I’ve been afraid.

I’m in love. It’s not lust, it’s not loneliness, it’s not needing another person, it’s not a fill-in or replacement, it’s nothing more than love. I wasn’t looking for it, but found it. I’m happy. I’m so very happy.

Elliot and I have been friends for quite a while, he lives in Wisconsin, a 12 hour train ride away. We met in an unlikely time and way, which is just part of our story. He is a wonderful man, who has seen me at my worst and my best.

As I was going through my separation he listened to me sob on the phone, he offered nothing more than an ear and shoulder. As I underwent my cancer stuff and surgeries he was here, not on the phone, but showing up two days before my surgery because I needed him; he was with me before I went in, and was there as soon as I woke up. He held the barf bucket as I dealing with the effects of anaesthetic and as he said goodbye and I was still throwing up, he patiently cleaned me up and said I love you.

He has spent many hours on the bus coming for weeks visits to see Paisley and I, rearranging work schedules to maximise his time with us. He is as dedicated to making this work, as am I.

This long distance relationship has afforded me the time I needed to heal, to grow and to really think about what I wanted and needed in both my life and relationships. I’ve had time to examine my own faults in the breakdown of my marriage and how my actions played a part in its demise. I’ve also had time to think about what I’d done right, what qualities I bring to the table. I’ve been able to do this because Elliot was far away, I’m sure that if he were here, I’d be caught up in the moment and not take the time to work on myself.

This relationship has been work, at times it’s been challenging to not have him close, there are many a night I’ve questioned if this was the right thing for us, he and I, and myself and Paisley. It’s far easier to give up when the person isn’t in front of you. But we haven’t given up, we work through the hard stuff, we talk and talk…we take on the challenge and come out for the better. Some days I would give anything just for a hug, but again, I’ve learned that I can make do without it.

And now, I live my life by countdown calendars…how many more days till Elliot is with us, right now the count is at 52.

I’m a very lucky girl. I’m a very lucky girl in love with a wonderful man who thinks the world of both me and Paisley. One who loves my family, and enjoys my friends. A man who can sit with me in front of the fire not saying a word just listening to the world go by, or who loves to splash in the water with Paisley at the beach. A boy who’s willing to give it all up for some Canadian girl, 2000 miles away. I couldn’t be happier.

Je T’aime Mon Coeur.

And for a giggle…..

So Very Us!

So Very Us!

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Simply 36…

Bring on 36!

Bring on 36!

I’ve spent the last few days reflecting on my life this last year. It’s been a helluva year, but it’s done. I survived in more than one way. When I think about what my 36th year will hold for me, I’m excited; I’m looking forward to the unknown, and am waiting for new adventures to unfold.

No one sets out and says “God I think this is going to be a shit ass year”, but last year I did. Last March I was in a bad place. I was trying to play family with Shaughn, keep it together while he was gone 14 hours a day, run my business, be a friend, a daughter, and a mummy. I knew that it was going to be hard. I didn’t anticipate cancer, or our separation.

I’m starting this year differently. I’m mentally in a better place, I love my new life despite a few blips in the chart. I’m cancer free (Almost 6 Months!!!!), I have a much better relationship separated from Shaughn than I did with him, and am in a relationship that makes me happy.

I’m starting 36 feeling renewed, like I have my whole life waiting for me, I just have to get out there and grab it. I am starting to think about things I’ve not done in years, I’m planning things that make me happy, I’m doing silly things, because they make me HAPPY! I’m over the days of caring what others think of me, I’m living my life as me. Like it or lump it.

Some people haven’t liked it. That’s ok. I’m not looking for their approval, I don’t need it. All I need is to do what is best for Paisley and myself. She is and will always be my first priority. As long as she is safe, happy, and has her needs met, I think we’re doing well. Fortunately, she is and has all of the above. Fortunately, so do I.

Tomorrow I am spending the day in yoga pants, alone. I’m not getting out of my bed, I’m not seeing friends or family. I know this has also upset a few people but I need some time for myself. Alone.

The only thing I’m missing is a pint of Ben And Jerry’s ‘If I Had 1,000,000 Flavours’

Do You Think They Deliver?

Do You Think They Deliver?

Happy Birthday To Me,  Here’s hoping 36 is everything I’m thinking it will be.

 

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Single Mum Files…Melancholy

Me 'n' Magee

Me ‘n’ Magee

Nights like this suck.

Sometimes I hate being a single parent. I appreciate the fact that her father wants to spend time with her, I love that she wants to spend time with him. But holy fuck do I miss her.

I miss my kiddo.

I’m in a piss ass mood and I’m having trouble shaking it tonight. I just want to snuggle with my girl, read another Fancy Nancy book, and tuck her in. But I can’t. I am sitting here instead blogging about it.

She’ll be home tomorrow, and by the time it’s her fathers weekend again, I’ll be ready for another break, but right now, I just want Magee home.

I rarely question my decision to be a single parent. On the whole I’m happier, not as angry, and a better parent; but I often feel stretched, and I miss parts of my old life. I miss some of my freedom. I miss my friends and socializing. I miss not being able to attend things because I chose this life.

But tonight all I miss is my girl, her skinny five year old arms wrapped around my neck, asking me to rock her like I did when she was a baby.

Tomorrow will be a better day, I get to read bed time stories, I get to bug her to tidy her room, help me fold laundry and put dishes away. I get to work on her school work, practising math sums and printing.

I can’t wait for tomorrow.

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Trying To Live Simply

20130222-075913.jpg

Simply Put…

Some days I do just want to give up, give in, and just hide. I’m tired, overworked, underpaid.

Some days I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, but then I remember where I was a year ago, and I take a deep breath, and I smile. Life is so much better now.

I’ve made a very conscious decision to start living more simply, I’ve let the past fall to the wayside, and am filling my days with the things that make me happy. I’m letting go of anger, fear, and I’m moving forward.

I’m just trying to live more simply.

This hasn’t been an easy task, and it means I’ve had to let some things in my life go. I am not going out as often, I’m choosing to be at home with Pais rather than go across London on a bus for a coffee date. I’m choosing to cook more, bake more. I’ve been watching less and reading more.

I had spent many years feeling pulled in many directions, trying to be there for everyone, trying to please my friends, family, and job. I would make myself crazy trying to do it all. I would be making pot luck dinners for S’s classmates, meeting my sorority girls twice a month, making dinners and lunches for college kids, spending my Saturday’s at the YMCA with Paiz for swimming, and dancing. I was trying to get in family time with S and Pais, as well as with my family. Unfortunately S didn’t want to spend as much time with my family, but did just our’ little family’.

I made the commitment to myself, and Paisley to start living simpler. I started saying “no”. No, I’m sorry I can’t go out tonight for the third time this week. No, I’m sorry I can’t make two separate dinners. No I’m sorry Paiz can’t go on yet another playdate. No, No, No. I did start saying yes to the things that are important. I started saying Yes, we can hold off on dinner for 10 minutes while we dance around the kitchen blaring P!nk and singing into wooden spoons, I began saying Yes, I would love to come for Sunday dinner but can we do it here to make things a bit easier on me. I will say Yes Paiz, lets bake cookies and muffins instead of buying them.

I started to make different priorities in my life. If I’m feeling too pulled, I slow down. I think about what is most important and focus on that, not all the outside ‘noise’ clouding up my life.

I occasionally fall back into old pattens, and I need to check myself and remind myself that my friends will still be my friends if I am unable to attend a function, and that my family may be disappointed that I don’t make a Sunday dinner, but it’s not the end of the world. Sometimes it’s really hard, but I’m doing it.

So my crazy life is becoming simpler, I’m slowing down, taking stock, and doing what makes me and Magee happy. I’ve mostly left my chaotic life behind and am working towards an easier, kinder, and loving life.

 

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A Letter To Magee On Her 5th Birthday!

And Now You're Five

And Now You’re Five

My Sweet Paisley,

I love who you are, I love the giggles, the belly laughs, the wonder and words that come from you.

I love your imagination, how you can sit for hours playing with your dolls, or pony’s making up stories, sub stories, and adventures that leave me in awe of how your brain works.

I love that you are a caring child, that you go out of your way to make everyone feel special and included. I love that you don’t see people’s differences, and that you take them at face value; never questioning why they are different, just accepting them. I’m so proud of that.

I love your crazy sense of humour, you love to tell me the silliest knock knock jokes, they make absolutely no sense to anyone but you, but I love to hear you laugh.

I love your never-ending need for knowledge. I love that you constantly want to know how things work, and why they are the way they are. I love that you are learning to read and will devour books faster than ice cream. You get so excited each day to work on your school work, diligently getting your pencil and crayons and school books. You will spend hours with them, working on pages until I say it’s time to finish up, you always ask to do ‘just one more…please?’. I hope as you continue to grow, that you embrace learning not as a chore, but as something special and precious.

I am amazed at how resilient you are, with everything that has happened in the last year, you have remained steady. I had been bracing myself for the worst, and yet here you are. Nothing phases you Paisley. You roll with the punches with the best of them.

I love your sweet innocence. I love to watch you dance, moving your whole body with the music, not caring who is watching, just lost in your head. I love to watch you in nature, searching for fairies, finding their homes in old tress, leaving them flowers, and wanting to bake them mini cookies. I love that you aren’t jaded.

I love how the best part of your week is Friday nights, where we snuggle in with popcorn and a movie, just the two of us, and how on Monday you are already contemplating that weeks movie choice. As you informed me today, it’s very important to choose the right movie!

I love who you are Paisley, I love who you are becoming with each passing day. I am the luckiest Mummy in the world to have you for my baby; and yes, you will always be my baby even though you hate it when I say it.

So my love, today you are five, I hope this next year continues to challenge, and excite you. I hope your days are filled with joy and laughter, and that your tears will be few.

I love you Ms Magee,

Mummy

XOXOXO

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My Not So Simple 2012

Tough Year

Tough Year

2012 brought me many challenges. From Jan 1, to December 31, none of it was easy.

Late in 2011 my then husband went back to school full-time as well as worked full-time. This was the final cut in our already fragile relationship. In June 2012 we decided to end our 9 year marriage and separate.  I am the one who initiated the conversation and ultimate dissolve of the marriage. I was at my wit’s end, unhappy, angry, resentful, stressed, tired and I had had enough. I just couldn’t do it any more. He and I had been having issues for a few years prior, but I had wanted to make sure I had given all I had to the marriage before ending it. I wanted to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons, not because I was angry with him. I needed to make sure I was doing it for me, so I could be in a better and happier place, so I could be a better mother, friend, sister and daughter.

In doing this I also had to consider the ramifications on my overall life. I have a daughter, own a house, run a business, oh…and I had been diagnosed with cancer. I had to make sure I could really realistically do it all. In my head I felt I could, but I had to make sure the numbers on paper matched up, I had to make sure I could care for my daughter the same way she was accustomed to, to make sure her life didn’t change too drastically. Things were going to change enough for her, I didn’t need to be going to the soup kitchen or selling my house too. I have always had a ‘Superwoman’ complex, I have always felt I could do it all…sometimes I fail, but for this, failure wasn’t an option. There was too much at stake. In all, everything worked out.  We separated in June, he got an apartment, I stayed in the house. I pay my bills, I pay my mortgage, I don’t (often) get child support…which is really nothing anyways, these days $80 doesn’t even come close to paying the heating bill. We have remained good friends. Really good friends. We talk almost daily, we have dinner together at least once a month, we will happily sit out on the deck with a beer and talk for hours. We are much better friends than we ever were as a married couple.

I was also diagnosed with uterine cancer in 2012. Awesome – said no woman ever. I had surgery almost 5 months ago to remove my uterus, ovaries, tubes, cervix, and some lymph nodes. It was a long surgery, with an even longer recovery. I’m almost 100%, but I am still healing both physically and mentally. It was tough, still is a bit tough. I was 35 and not that I wanted more children, this was ensuring that I wasn’t having any more. I was also left with a huge scar from just above my belly button to my pubic bone, right now it’s still pretty gross looking, kinda like Frankenstein, I know it will fade and look better in a year or so, but it is a constant reminder of how my body betrayed me. The good news is, I’m healthy now. None of the cancer had spread, I have regular check ups and blood work, and so far I’m as good as cured.

So yes, 2012 was a tough year. I also fell in love in 2012, and built a new life for my daughter and myself. There was some good to come out of that shitastic year.

So, I’m hoping now to move forward, you have the background you need. I’m no longer angry, I’m no longer sick. I’m just looking forward to my simple life, waiting for my someday.

 

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Simply Christa

Simply Me

Simply Me

Well this is me. I’m 35, almost 36. 5’7″, a little heavier than I should be. I have dark brown and purple hair, brown eyes, piercings, and a great smile.

I have had a crazy life, and this past year in particular. I’m looking forward to living more simply, quietly, and with more love in my life.

I am the mother of a fantastic daughter named Paisley, but who is often called Magee, (Ma-gee, hard G) not to be confused with Maggie, or Magee (soft G). She is my world, and has been since the minute I found out I was pregnant.

I am newly(ish) separated, but am good friends with my daughters father. He often joins us for family dinners and fun. I’ll talk about he and I later. For now the most important thing is that we are on good terms and are committed to raising Magee together.

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man, Elliot. It’s long distance for now, but the end is in sight. Right now we rely on monthly trips, lots of texting, phone calls and FaceTime calls. More on him later too.

I run a business, a small home based childcare. I have been running it for four successful years, and don’t plan on stopping any time soon. I love my job; long days, temper tantrums, poop, puke, and snot. It’s the best job ever.

I’m a dog person. I love my dog, and she has seen me through some pretty rough times. I am not a cat person, although I have two. I also have four fish. I love my fish.

So, simply, that’s me. Christa.

Happy Reading!

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