2012 brought me many challenges. From Jan 1, to December 31, none of it was easy.
Late in 2011 my then husband went back to school full-time as well as worked full-time. This was the final cut in our already fragile relationship. In June 2012 we decided to end our 9 year marriage and separate. I am the one who initiated the conversation and ultimate dissolve of the marriage. I was at my wit’s end, unhappy, angry, resentful, stressed, tired and I had had enough. I just couldn’t do it any more. He and I had been having issues for a few years prior, but I had wanted to make sure I had given all I had to the marriage before ending it. I wanted to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons, not because I was angry with him. I needed to make sure I was doing it for me, so I could be in a better and happier place, so I could be a better mother, friend, sister and daughter.
In doing this I also had to consider the ramifications on my overall life. I have a daughter, own a house, run a business, oh…and I had been diagnosed with cancer. I had to make sure I could really realistically do it all. In my head I felt I could, but I had to make sure the numbers on paper matched up, I had to make sure I could care for my daughter the same way she was accustomed to, to make sure her life didn’t change too drastically. Things were going to change enough for her, I didn’t need to be going to the soup kitchen or selling my house too. I have always had a ‘Superwoman’ complex, I have always felt I could do it all…sometimes I fail, but for this, failure wasn’t an option. There was too much at stake. In all, everything worked out. We separated in June, he got an apartment, I stayed in the house. I pay my bills, I pay my mortgage, I don’t (often) get child support…which is really nothing anyways, these days $80 doesn’t even come close to paying the heating bill. We have remained good friends. Really good friends. We talk almost daily, we have dinner together at least once a month, we will happily sit out on the deck with a beer and talk for hours. We are much better friends than we ever were as a married couple.
I was also diagnosed with uterine cancer in 2012. Awesome – said no woman ever. I had surgery almost 5 months ago to remove my uterus, ovaries, tubes, cervix, and some lymph nodes. It was a long surgery, with an even longer recovery. I’m almost 100%, but I am still healing both physically and mentally. It was tough, still is a bit tough. I was 35 and not that I wanted more children, this was ensuring that I wasn’t having any more. I was also left with a huge scar from just above my belly button to my pubic bone, right now it’s still pretty gross looking, kinda like Frankenstein, I know it will fade and look better in a year or so, but it is a constant reminder of how my body betrayed me. The good news is, I’m healthy now. None of the cancer had spread, I have regular check ups and blood work, and so far I’m as good as cured.
So yes, 2012 was a tough year. I also fell in love in 2012, and built a new life for my daughter and myself. There was some good to come out of that shitastic year.
So, I’m hoping now to move forward, you have the background you need. I’m no longer angry, I’m no longer sick. I’m just looking forward to my simple life, waiting for my someday.