Christa Duvall

Cancer, Dating, Daughter, Divorce, Parenting, Relationships, Simple, Survivor, Uncategorized

Simply 36…

March 15, 2013March 4, 2015 Christa Duvall

I’ve spent the last few days reflecting on my life this last year. It’s been a helluva year, but it’s done. I survived in more than one way. When I think about what my 36th year will hold for me, I’m excited; I’m looking forward to the unknown, and am waiting for new adventures to unfold.

No one sets out and says “God I think this is going to be a shit ass year”, but last year I did. Last March I was in a bad place. I was trying to play family with Shaughn, keep it together while he was gone 14 hours a day, run my business, be a friend, a daughter, and a mummy. I knew that it was going to be hard. I didn’t anticipate cancer, or our separation.

I’m starting this year differently. I’m mentally in a better place, I love my new life despite a few blips in the chart. I’m cancer free (Almost 6 Months!!!!), I have a much better relationship separated from Shaughn than I did with him, and am in a relationship that makes me happy.

I’m starting 36 feeling renewed, like I have my whole life waiting for me, I just have to get out there and grab it. I am starting to think about things I’ve not done in years, I’m planning things that make me happy, I’m doing silly things, because they make me HAPPY! I’m over the days of caring what others think of me, I’m living my life as me. Like it or lump it.

Some people haven’t liked it. That’s ok. I’m not looking for their approval, I don’t need it. All I need is to do what is best for Paisley and myself. She is and will always be my first priority. As long as she is safe, happy, and has her needs met, I think we’re doing well. Fortunately, she is and has all of the above. Fortunately, so do I.

Tomorrow I am spending the day in yoga pants, alone. I’m not getting out of my bed, I’m not seeing friends or family. I know this has also upset a few people but I need some time for myself. Alone.

The only thing I’m missing is a pint of Ben And Jerry’s ‘If I Had 1,000,000 Flavours’

Happy Birthday To Me, Here’s hoping 36 is everything I’m thinking it will be.

Daughter, Divorce, Parenting, Relationships, Simple, Uncategorized

Single Mum Files…Melancholy

March 3, 2013March 4, 2015 Christa Duvall

Nights like this suck.

Sometimes I hate being a single parent. I appreciate the fact that her father wants to spend time with her, I love that she wants to spend time with him. But holy fuck do I miss her.

I miss my kiddo.

I’m in a piss ass mood and I’m having trouble shaking it tonight. I just want to snuggle with my girl, read another Fancy Nancy book, and tuck her in. But I can’t. I am sitting here instead blogging about it.

She’ll be home tomorrow, and by the time it’s her fathers weekend again, I’ll be ready for another break, but right now, I just want Magee home.

I rarely question my decision to be a single parent. On the whole I’m happier, not as angry, and a better parent; but I often feel stretched, and I miss parts of my old life. I miss some of my freedom. I miss my friends and socializing. I miss not being able to attend things because I chose this life.

But tonight all I miss is my girl, her skinny five year old arms wrapped around my neck, asking me to rock her like I did when she was a baby.

Tomorrow will be a better day, I get to read bed time stories, I get to bug her to tidy her room, help me fold laundry and put dishes away. I get to work on her school work, practising math sums and printing.

I can’t wait for tomorrow.

Daughter, Divorce, Parenting, Relationships, Simple, Uncategorized

Trying To Live Simply

February 22, 2013March 4, 2015 Christa Duvall

Some days I do just want to give up, give in, and just hide. I’m tired, overworked, underpaid.

Some days I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, but then I remember where I was a year ago, and I take a deep breath, and I smile. Life is so much better now.

I’ve made a very conscious decision to start living more simply, I’ve let the past fall to the wayside, and am filling my days with the things that make me happy. I’m letting go of anger, fear, and I’m moving forward.

I’m just trying to live more simply.

This hasn’t been an easy task, and it means I’ve had to let some things in my life go. I am not going out as often, I’m choosing to be at home with Pais rather than go across London on a bus for a coffee date. I’m choosing to cook more, bake more. I’ve been watching less and reading more.

I had spent many years feeling pulled in many directions, trying to be there for everyone, trying to please my friends, family, and job. I would make myself crazy trying to do it all. I would be making pot luck dinners for S’s classmates, meeting my sorority girls twice a month, making dinners and lunches for college kids, spending my Saturday’s at the YMCA with Paiz for swimming, and dancing. I was trying to get in family time with S and Pais, as well as with my family. Unfortunately S didn’t want to spend as much time with my family, but did just our’ little family’.

I made the commitment to myself, and Paisley to start living simpler. I started saying “no”. No, I’m sorry I can’t go out tonight for the third time this week. No, I’m sorry I can’t make two separate dinners. No I’m sorry Paiz can’t go on yet another playdate. No, No, No. I did start saying yes to the things that are important. I started saying Yes, we can hold off on dinner for 10 minutes while we dance around the kitchen blaring P!nk and singing into wooden spoons, I began saying Yes, I would love to come for Sunday dinner but can we do it here to make things a bit easier on me. I will say Yes Paiz, lets bake cookies and muffins instead of buying them.

I started to make different priorities in my life. If I’m feeling too pulled, I slow down. I think about what is most important and focus on that, not all the outside ‘noise’ clouding up my life.

I occasionally fall back into old pattens, and I need to check myself and remind myself that my friends will still be my friends if I am unable to attend a function, and that my family may be disappointed that I don’t make a Sunday dinner, but it’s not the end of the world. Sometimes it’s really hard, but I’m doing it.

So my crazy life is becoming simpler, I’m slowing down, taking stock, and doing what makes me and Magee happy. I’ve mostly left my chaotic life behind and am working towards an easier, kinder, and loving life.

Cancer, Daughter, Divorce, Parenting, Relationships, Simple

A Letter To Magee On Her 5th Birthday!

February 21, 2013March 4, 2015 Christa Duvall

And Now You're Five — And Now You’re Five

My Sweet Paisley,

I love who you are, I love the giggles, the belly laughs, the wonder and words that come from you.

I love your imagination, how you can sit for hours playing with your dolls, or pony’s making up stories, sub stories, and adventures that leave me in awe of how your brain works.

I love that you are a caring child, that you go out of your way to make everyone feel special and included. I love that you don’t see people’s differences, and that you take them at face value; never questioning why they are different, just accepting them. I’m so proud of that.

I love your crazy sense of humour, you love to tell me the silliest knock knock jokes, they make absolutely no sense to anyone but you, but I love to hear you laugh.

I love your never-ending need for knowledge. I love that you constantly want to know how things work, and why they are the way they are. I love that you are learning to read and will devour books faster than ice cream. You get so excited each day to work on your school work, diligently getting your pencil and crayons and school books. You will spend hours with them, working on pages until I say it’s time to finish up, you always ask to do ‘just one more…please?’. I hope as you continue to grow, that you embrace learning not as a chore, but as something special and precious.

I am amazed at how resilient you are, with everything that has happened in the last year, you have remained steady. I had been bracing myself for the worst, and yet here you are. Nothing phases you Paisley. You roll with the punches with the best of them.

I love your sweet innocence. I love to watch you dance, moving your whole body with the music, not caring who is watching, just lost in your head. I love to watch you in nature, searching for fairies, finding their homes in old tress, leaving them flowers, and wanting to bake them mini cookies. I love that you aren’t jaded.

I love how the best part of your week is Friday nights, where we snuggle in with popcorn and a movie, just the two of us, and how on Monday you are already contemplating that weeks movie choice. As you informed me today, it’s very important to choose the right movie!

I love who you are Paisley, I love who you are becoming with each passing day. I am the luckiest Mummy in the world to have you for my baby; and yes, you will always be my baby even though you hate it when I say it.

So my love, today you are five, I hope this next year continues to challenge, and excite you. I hope your days are filled with joy and laughter, and that your tears will be few.

I love you Ms Magee,

Mummy

XOXOXO

Cancer, Dating, Divorce, Parenting, Relationships, Simple, Survivor, Uncategorized

My Not So Simple 2012

February 20, 2013March 4, 2015 Christa Duvall

2012 brought me many challenges. From Jan 1, to December 31, none of it was easy.

Late in 2011 my then husband went back to school full-time as well as worked full-time. This was the final cut in our already fragile relationship. In June 2012 we decided to end our 9 year marriage and separate. I am the one who initiated the conversation and ultimate dissolve of the marriage. I was at my wit’s end, unhappy, angry, resentful, stressed, tired and I had had enough. I just couldn’t do it any more. He and I had been having issues for a few years prior, but I had wanted to make sure I had given all I had to the marriage before ending it. I wanted to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons, not because I was angry with him. I needed to make sure I was doing it for me, so I could be in a better and happier place, so I could be a better mother, friend, sister and daughter.

In doing this I also had to consider the ramifications on my overall life. I have a daughter, own a house, run a business, oh…and I had been diagnosed with cancer. I had to make sure I could really realistically do it all. In my head I felt I could, but I had to make sure the numbers on paper matched up, I had to make sure I could care for my daughter the same way she was accustomed to, to make sure her life didn’t change too drastically. Things were going to change enough for her, I didn’t need to be going to the soup kitchen or selling my house too. I have always had a ‘Superwoman’ complex, I have always felt I could do it all…sometimes I fail, but for this, failure wasn’t an option. There was too much at stake. In all, everything worked out. We separated in June, he got an apartment, I stayed in the house. I pay my bills, I pay my mortgage, I don’t (often) get child support…which is really nothing anyways, these days $80 doesn’t even come close to paying the heating bill. We have remained good friends. Really good friends. We talk almost daily, we have dinner together at least once a month, we will happily sit out on the deck with a beer and talk for hours. We are much better friends than we ever were as a married couple.

I was also diagnosed with uterine cancer in 2012. Awesome – said no woman ever. I had surgery almost 5 months ago to remove my uterus, ovaries, tubes, cervix, and some lymph nodes. It was a long surgery, with an even longer recovery. I’m almost 100%, but I am still healing both physically and mentally. It was tough, still is a bit tough. I was 35 and not that I wanted more children, this was ensuring that I wasn’t having any more. I was also left with a huge scar from just above my belly button to my pubic bone, right now it’s still pretty gross looking, kinda like Frankenstein, I know it will fade and look better in a year or so, but it is a constant reminder of how my body betrayed me. The good news is, I’m healthy now. None of the cancer had spread, I have regular check ups and blood work, and so far I’m as good as cured.

So yes, 2012 was a tough year. I also fell in love in 2012, and built a new life for my daughter and myself. There was some good to come out of that shitastic year.

So, I’m hoping now to move forward, you have the background you need. I’m no longer angry, I’m no longer sick. I’m just looking forward to my simple life, waiting for my someday.

Cancer, Dating, Divorce, Parenting, Relationships, Simple, Survivor

Simply Christa

February 20, 2013March 4, 2015 Christa Duvall

Well this is me. I’m 35, almost 36. 5’7″, a little heavier than I should be. I have dark brown and purple hair, brown eyes, piercings, and a great smile.

I have had a crazy life, and this past year in particular. I’m looking forward to living more simply, quietly, and with more love in my life.

I am the mother of a fantastic daughter named Paisley, but who is often called Magee, (Ma-gee, hard G) not to be confused with Maggie, or Magee (soft G). She is my world, and has been since the minute I found out I was pregnant.

I am newly(ish) separated, but am good friends with my daughters father. He often joins us for family dinners and fun. I’ll talk about he and I later. For now the most important thing is that we are on good terms and are committed to raising Magee together.

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man, Elliot. It’s long distance for now, but the end is in sight. Right now we rely on monthly trips, lots of texting, phone calls and FaceTime calls. More on him later too.

I run a business, a small home based childcare. I have been running it for four successful years, and don’t plan on stopping any time soon. I love my job; long days, temper tantrums, poop, puke, and snot. It’s the best job ever.

I’m a dog person. I love my dog, and she has seen me through some pretty rough times. I am not a cat person, although I have two. I also have four fish. I love my fish.

So, simply, that’s me. Christa.

Happy Reading!