I’ve written three drafts of this, each a little different, each still remains in my draft folder waiting to see the light of day.
I’m not sure why I’ve been so hesitant to publish them. I know there is something holding me back; otherwise I would have.
I’m not the type to fill everyone in on every little detail of my life. I don’t update Facebook every hour, or even many days. I sure as hell don’t talk about my relationship. I don’t post lovey meme’s for the world to see, and I don’t write ‘I heart you’ messages on mine, or anyone else’s wall.
I’m also afraid. I’m mainly afraid of what others will think. I’ve been separated for just short of a year, but here I am head over heels in love with another. I question my own sanity at times, I don’t need others questioning it either. As strong as I appear to others, things do affect me. I take criticism to heart, and feel every jab as if you really did mean to stab me with your words. So yes…I’ve been afraid.
I’m in love. It’s not lust, it’s not loneliness, it’s not needing another person, it’s not a fill-in or replacement, it’s nothing more than love. I wasn’t looking for it, but found it. I’m happy. I’m so very happy.
Elliot and I have been friends for quite a while, he lives in Wisconsin, a 12 hour train ride away. We met in an unlikely time and way, which is just part of our story. He is a wonderful man, who has seen me at my worst and my best.
As I was going through my separation he listened to me sob on the phone, he offered nothing more than an ear and shoulder. As I underwent my cancer stuff and surgeries he was here, not on the phone, but showing up two days before my surgery because I needed him; he was with me before I went in, and was there as soon as I woke up. He held the barf bucket as I dealing with the effects of anaesthetic and as he said goodbye and I was still throwing up, he patiently cleaned me up and said I love you.
He has spent many hours on the bus coming for weeks visits to see Paisley and I, rearranging work schedules to maximise his time with us. He is as dedicated to making this work, as am I.
This long distance relationship has afforded me the time I needed to heal, to grow and to really think about what I wanted and needed in both my life and relationships. I’ve had time to examine my own faults in the breakdown of my marriage and how my actions played a part in its demise. I’ve also had time to think about what I’d done right, what qualities I bring to the table. I’ve been able to do this because Elliot was far away, I’m sure that if he were here, I’d be caught up in the moment and not take the time to work on myself.
This relationship has been work, at times it’s been challenging to not have him close, there are many a night I’ve questioned if this was the right thing for us, he and I, and myself and Paisley. It’s far easier to give up when the person isn’t in front of you. But we haven’t given up, we work through the hard stuff, we talk and talk…we take on the challenge and come out for the better. Some days I would give anything just for a hug, but again, I’ve learned that I can make do without it.
And now, I live my life by countdown calendars…how many more days till Elliot is with us, right now the count is at 52.
I’m a very lucky girl. I’m a very lucky girl in love with a wonderful man who thinks the world of both me and Paisley. One who loves my family, and enjoys my friends. A man who can sit with me in front of the fire not saying a word just listening to the world go by, or who loves to splash in the water with Paisley at the beach. A boy who’s willing to give it all up for some Canadian girl, 2000 miles away. I couldn’t be happier.
Je T’aime Mon Coeur.
And for a giggle…..