Simply Someday

It's Anything But Simple, But It's My Life

Trying To Live Simply

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Simply Put…

Some days I do just want to give up, give in, and just hide. I’m tired, overworked, underpaid.

Some days I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, but then I remember where I was a year ago, and I take a deep breath, and I smile. Life is so much better now.

I’ve made a very conscious decision to start living more simply, I’ve let the past fall to the wayside, and am filling my days with the things that make me happy. I’m letting go of anger, fear, and I’m moving forward.

I’m just trying to live more simply.

This hasn’t been an easy task, and it means I’ve had to let some things in my life go. I am not going out as often, I’m choosing to be at home with Pais rather than go across London on a bus for a coffee date. I’m choosing to cook more, bake more. I’ve been watching less and reading more.

I had spent many years feeling pulled in many directions, trying to be there for everyone, trying to please my friends, family, and job. I would make myself crazy trying to do it all. I would be making pot luck dinners for S’s classmates, meeting my sorority girls twice a month, making dinners and lunches for college kids, spending my Saturday’s at the YMCA with Paiz for swimming, and dancing. I was trying to get in family time with S and Pais, as well as with my family. Unfortunately S didn’t want to spend as much time with my family, but did just our’ little family’.

I made the commitment to myself, and Paisley to start living simpler. I started saying “no”. No, I’m sorry I can’t go out tonight for the third time this week. No, I’m sorry I can’t make two separate dinners. No I’m sorry Paiz can’t go on yet another playdate. No, No, No. I did start saying yes to the things that are important. I started saying Yes, we can hold off on dinner for 10 minutes while we dance around the kitchen blaring P!nk and singing into wooden spoons, I began saying Yes, I would love to come for Sunday dinner but can we do it here to make things a bit easier on me. I will say Yes Paiz, lets bake cookies and muffins instead of buying them.

I started to make different priorities in my life. If I’m feeling too pulled, I slow down. I think about what is most important and focus on that, not all the outside ‘noise’ clouding up my life.

I occasionally fall back into old pattens, and I need to check myself and remind myself that my friends will still be my friends if I am unable to attend a function, and that my family may be disappointed that I don’t make a Sunday dinner, but it’s not the end of the world. Sometimes it’s really hard, but I’m doing it.

So my crazy life is becoming simpler, I’m slowing down, taking stock, and doing what makes me and Magee happy. I’ve mostly left my chaotic life behind and am working towards an easier, kinder, and loving life.

 

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My Not So Simple 2012

Tough Year

Tough Year

2012 brought me many challenges. From Jan 1, to December 31, none of it was easy.

Late in 2011 my then husband went back to school full-time as well as worked full-time. This was the final cut in our already fragile relationship. In June 2012 we decided to end our 9 year marriage and separate.  I am the one who initiated the conversation and ultimate dissolve of the marriage. I was at my wit’s end, unhappy, angry, resentful, stressed, tired and I had had enough. I just couldn’t do it any more. He and I had been having issues for a few years prior, but I had wanted to make sure I had given all I had to the marriage before ending it. I wanted to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons, not because I was angry with him. I needed to make sure I was doing it for me, so I could be in a better and happier place, so I could be a better mother, friend, sister and daughter.

In doing this I also had to consider the ramifications on my overall life. I have a daughter, own a house, run a business, oh…and I had been diagnosed with cancer. I had to make sure I could really realistically do it all. In my head I felt I could, but I had to make sure the numbers on paper matched up, I had to make sure I could care for my daughter the same way she was accustomed to, to make sure her life didn’t change too drastically. Things were going to change enough for her, I didn’t need to be going to the soup kitchen or selling my house too. I have always had a ‘Superwoman’ complex, I have always felt I could do it all…sometimes I fail, but for this, failure wasn’t an option. There was too much at stake. In all, everything worked out.  We separated in June, he got an apartment, I stayed in the house. I pay my bills, I pay my mortgage, I don’t (often) get child support…which is really nothing anyways, these days $80 doesn’t even come close to paying the heating bill. We have remained good friends. Really good friends. We talk almost daily, we have dinner together at least once a month, we will happily sit out on the deck with a beer and talk for hours. We are much better friends than we ever were as a married couple.

I was also diagnosed with uterine cancer in 2012. Awesome – said no woman ever. I had surgery almost 5 months ago to remove my uterus, ovaries, tubes, cervix, and some lymph nodes. It was a long surgery, with an even longer recovery. I’m almost 100%, but I am still healing both physically and mentally. It was tough, still is a bit tough. I was 35 and not that I wanted more children, this was ensuring that I wasn’t having any more. I was also left with a huge scar from just above my belly button to my pubic bone, right now it’s still pretty gross looking, kinda like Frankenstein, I know it will fade and look better in a year or so, but it is a constant reminder of how my body betrayed me. The good news is, I’m healthy now. None of the cancer had spread, I have regular check ups and blood work, and so far I’m as good as cured.

So yes, 2012 was a tough year. I also fell in love in 2012, and built a new life for my daughter and myself. There was some good to come out of that shitastic year.

So, I’m hoping now to move forward, you have the background you need. I’m no longer angry, I’m no longer sick. I’m just looking forward to my simple life, waiting for my someday.

 

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