Simply Someday

It's Anything But Simple, But It's My Life

One Month In…

20130222-075913.jpg One month in and I’m still at it. I’m still eating properly, exercising(ish) and trying to live a better and healthier life. There’s been a few roadblocks, I got the mumps (yes, seriously) which put everything on hold for 2 weeks, and we had a mini vacation.

I have learned a bit in this last month, I learned I eat when I’m: bored, sad, angry, tired, happy, silly, etc… So pretty much I’m happy to eat ALL THE TIMES. This clearly isn’t good for me, my waistline, or my body. So I’m learning to eat when I’m hungry. I’m feeding myself at regular intervals, not just whenever. I eat 5 small meals/snacks a day. It’s keeping me full, and satiated throughout my day. I’ve learned I can make better choices if the better choices are available. I can’t eat well if I don’t have good food in the fridge. I’ve learned that for me, planning is key. If I just leave my meals up to spur of the moment choices I won’t eat healthy. I now spend a portion of my Sunday’s preparing food for my week. Having ready-made, easy to grab food has been so important to keeping me on track.

I’ve been using an app, (there’s an app for everything right?) called My Fitness Pal, I have been using it religiously to count my caloric intake, count my steps and log in any exercise I do. I have been very honest with it. If I eat something that isn’t ‘healthy’ I log it. I need to be accountable for my shitty choices and my good ones.

I’m feeling pretty good. Turning 40 for me was a wake up. I had several changes to make and I’m making them. I have the most supportive family, they are making all of this so much easier…the family that planks together stays together! It’s been a hoot doing zumba with Elliot and Pais in the living room, and watching the two of them compete in push up challenges. I’m so proud of us all. We are all sharing in this journey.

I’m hoping to blog more about my journey, my ups and downs, the good bad and ugly. Read if you want, don’t if you don’t. It’s all good. I’m doing this for me after all…not you.

*Successes

  • Wedding rings/clothes are loose
  • Enjoying exercising
  • Drinking more water

Cheers!

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  So, I’m doing this thing. If you read my last post you know how sad and frustrated I am with my body. I HATE what I’ve let myself become. I hate how I feel, how I look, how unhealthy I am. I’m 40 and feel 60, my body hurts to move, I would think of nothing of not eating veggies for days, or drinking water – just diet coke and coffee. I chose not to apply for my dream job because I am too scared of what others will think of me…did I seriously just write that? Well shit. That there is as honest as it gets.

Well the time has come to change me. My mindset, my eating, my activity levels, everything. It all has to change, and I’ve begun the process of revamping myself.

More to come…

 

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Dear Body,

Dear Body,

Let’s get one thing straight. I don’t hate you. I mean you’d never know it with the way I’ve treated you for the last 40 years. I’m a horrible owner.

The thing is though, I hate what you’ve become. It’s like you’re this garbage can, you continue to hold in all the shit I put into you. The shit food, the shit drinks, the cigarette smoke for 25 years off and on. The chemicals, the additives, preservatives, and red dyes…I put things into you that I can’t pronounce, spell or say.

I hate that you are hard to move. I hate that some mornings I feel so much older than 40. I hate that I can’t run. I hate that I am embarrassed of you, that I try to hide you under layers and baggy clothes. I hate that I am afraid of exercising outside of my house because of what other people might say. I hate having to shop for fat girl clothes in specialized shops. I hate pretending to be fat positive, and body positive, when inside I’m cringing at what I’ve let myself do to you.

I hate that when I look into a mirror, I don’t recognize the person staring back at me. I’m not her. I would never let myself get this way – except I did, and it is me staring back.

I hate being naked, I hate showing you to the one I love. Showing myself to him feels like I’m revealing my worst secrets, I can’t hide what I’ve let you become.

I hate that my beautiful daughter has a mum who looks like me. I remember how I felt when my own mum was overweight. I remember the looks, I remember the snickers. Now I’m that mum. She shouldn’t ever have to hear or see what I did.

I’m so sorry dear body. I’m so sorry I’ve done this to you. I’m sorry I’m afraid to change. I’m sorry I’m not brave enough to go to the gym yet. I’m sorry I’ve fed you horribly. It’s so much easier to eat your feelings rather than deal with them head on. I’m so sorry it’s taken me 40 years to decide to change. I’m sorry I can’t run, I can’t jump yet.

I’m sorry I don’t know how much power you have, I’m sorry I’ve never pushed you hard or long enough to know what my limits are, or how far away they are. I plan on finding out though.

I plan on finding out dear body. I am going to push you, I am going to make you angry at me, I am going to punish myself for punishing you. I want you to feel strong. I want you to feel fit, I want you to feel whole.

I plan on making you work. I want to sweat, I want to feel muscles I’ve long forgot about. I want my face to be red, legs to feel like Jello, and I want to fight to breathe. I want to kick my ass.

Again dear body, I apologize, but I’m changing. I promise.

 

C.

 

 

 

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Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes….

Things are a-changin'

Things are a-changin’

It seems like no matter which direction I look in these days; change is happening, whether I like it or not.

I’m relatively easy when it comes to change, I tend to adjust, and go with it. This last year has been one change after another, the decision to end my marriage, the decisions that needed to be made for my cancer diagnosis, changes in my job, my family, my brother moving in with me…it’s been like rapid fire.

Now, I am facing two more big changes, both are exciting, and scary.

Shaughn completed his third interview with Toyota today, a job that will offer him more money, full benefits, and a pension. It is also a job that will (by choice) take him away from his daughter. While I am very excited, about what this means for him, his future and our Paisley’s future, it also brings with it many unknowns. By choosing to move to a new city, he will be much more limited in the amount of time he is able to spend with her. This will have many trickle down effects, and I’m not sure that it’s the best thing for her. She is just now, a year after our separation starting to exhibit some behaviours associated with her father moving out, I fear that they will be exacerbated further when their time together is cut shorter.

Right now Shaughn has full access, he has his set times to have her, but often will hang out with her in-between his allotted time. I think it’s wonderful. He has always been a hands on Dad, they often spend time building things, doing crafty stuff, going to the park and researching My Little Pony shit. It’s such a special and sacred relationship, I am just afraid it will be lost.  I question if I am being selfish, but no, I don’t think that’s it, I have nothing to be selfish over, I’m quite happy to be mummy 24/7 with the occasional break, but I have family and friends to fill in the gaps. No, I really am concerned about their relationship and it’s continued growth.

Alas, things change.

The second major change I’m facing is also a familial change. My lad is moving up from the states and will be living with us. This is scary and exciting at the same time. Another huge life change!

Elliot and I have been together long distance for 8 months, with him living with us off and on for close to 3 months. I’m beyond excited to have him here, I’m done with this long distance crap; although it has afforded me the chance to learn and grow…(read more about that here:https://simplysomeday.wordpress.com/2013/04/22/where-my-heart-is/  ) I’m ready to ditch the 6000 text messages and FaceTime chats.

It’s been almost a year since I’ve lived with a partner, It’s been a year of doing things on my own, on my terms, how I want them done. I’ve had a year to be selfish, and concentrate on my needs and wants (and Pais’) without having to really consider another person. We often have PB&J for dinners, on the weekends we try to sleep late and maximise every minute we have together, I can use my favourite snuggly blanket because I’m always cold, I can sleep in my WHOLE bed, not worrying about kicking the person beside me! SELFISH!

As much as I’m joking, I am nervous about sharing myself again, opening myself up to vulnerability, throwing my whole life and heart into an ocean and hoping we can swim; not just tread water, praying we don’t drown. I know in my heart that things will be good. I know we’re in for rocky times like any relationship, but I also know that there are so many wonderful things in store too. I can’t wait.

This move has brought up feelings in my extended family that I am not thrilled with. I know certain people disapprove, and when others find out they will more than disapprove, but really; I’m an adult, and frankly I don’t give a flying leap what others think about my relationship or how I live my life.

So bring it, bring the changes, bring the unknown, uncertainty, the doubt, the second-guessing, and bring the joy of change. I’m ready for it.

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